Embracing The Void

So, there I am, in this little piece of forest adjacent to the Vipassana Meditation Center in Shelburne Falls, MA, on day 7 of a 10 day silent meditation course.

Wandering through this little forest, overwhelmed for the past couple of days by a barrage of thoughts about what I should do with my future, now that I’m out of credit card debt and just generally physically, mentally, and emotionally healthier than I’ve ever been.

I reached a point where I realized that these thoughts were utterly useless and pointless, not just because I wasn’t allowed to write them down, not just because I was in no position to act on these thoughts, but primarily because I was tired of living in the fucking future.

So I killed it.

I let go of needing the future to look a certain way, with a certain career, or hobbies, or lovers, and just decided that for once, in a long, long time I wanted to just live in the Now, and enjoy whatever comes about.

And I felt the difference, in my body, in the general lack of triggering/arousal I felt thinking about the many possible futures.

Fast forward to a month and a half later. I’ve literally just finished another 2+ hour long walk in the middle of a hot, humid day.

I’m walking to process this feeling I’ve been experiencing lately, that I’m referring to as The Void.

In the last month, I’ve moved into a new apartment, been “liberated” from my job (to use my own words to describe how I feel about it), and reached a state of fulfillment in regards to some desires I’ve been carrying for over a decade.

For the past few weeks, my days have been filled with exercise, yoga, long walks, and lots, and lots of writing and dancing.

With each passing day, this sense of ‘Void’ continues to expand and consume everything in its path. Hobbies I used to love are dull and annoying. Labels, scenes I used to identify heavily with, no longer feel true and aligned.

I’m becoming viscerally aware of a lack of purpose in my life. And being aware of the discomfort that lives there. And making a conscious decision, staring at that Void, to let it be and grow, and take everything inside of me.

Before you, dear reader, freak out and assume I’m depressed…don’t get it twisted. I’m actually enjoying this…a LOT :P

The last time I faced this Void, I got real fuckin’ depressed. I got drunk. I was an asshole. And ultimately I filled that first experience of Void with a desire to transform into a confident, independent man and take control of my life finally.

This time… nah. I want to see where this will go. What will happen when I surrender to this Void. When I embrace it as the Arbiter of a great transformation taking place inside of me and in my life.

So far… well, it’s not that bad. I guess between that meditation course, and all the ways my life has prepared me, I’m a lot better equipped to deal with the feeling of being adrift and empty.

I don’t know what’s going to be born of this ‘fertile’ Void, but I’ve made my mind up, I’m going to see this through to the end.

Here’s to letting go of everything that I ever considered ‘me’.

Here’s to seeing what lies at the end, when I’m completely empty, and something new blooms in the space.

-Matt ∞

P.S. Since I wrote this, the fog has started to lift. It’s sort of funny, the more I sit with this vibe, the clearer I feel, and desires buried deep in my heart are beginning to arise. The Process continues.